Human Rage Syndrome

[lavenderclavat]

I never mean to lash out. Once I'm done being angry like yesterday, I'm pretty worn out emotionally. I'm not a very healthy person. It's not surprising to me or anyone who knows me given how I'd been raised and whatnot, but stressing myself out like that has adverse effects on my wellbeing. I am a very angry person who desperately needs to be less angry and I'm working on that. In therapy, in my free time, and everywhere I find myself tested and tried. I don't always win, as can be clearly seen, but I always feel bad afterwards.

Coming down from these fits of rage is rough. Migraines, physical fatigue, and brain fog are the most obvious issues. I spent maybe an hour after major crashouts just recovering from them physically. Lately it has been so much worse. I feel like a dog with rage syndrome. Whoever the person is that gets so worked up over something so weirdly specific doesn't feel like me. I don't get them. I don't understand them. They operate on pure instinct and lash out in ways I don't want to. They don't care how I feel or what happens after, I think.

All-in-all, I'm so tired today I want to cry. I don't need sleep. It's the kind of exhaustion that's nothing but pain and weight deep in my being and bones. I'm so tired. I don't want to do anything, be anyone, or acknowledge the world in a meaningful way. Partaking in existence sounds even more exhausting. I just want to curl up in the dark and lay there in my own small eternity.